Do you love sport? Are you totally fed up with Britain's pathetic performances in recent Olympic games? Do you despair at the thought of yet another useless showing in 2012? Well I can exclusively reveal that Team GB has a more than cunning plan to ensure that the Union Jack is regularly run up the pole in London.
I have today seen a top secret document from the Ministry For Sport, that Whitehall top brass wanted to keep under wraps until the last possible moment. My ministerial mole has provided me with a copy of an email to David Cameron from the Minister For Sport, Hugh Robertson, outlining how Britain can win a plethera of gold medals and ensure our place at the top of the medal table.
Hugh Robertson sets out his priorities.
The email reveals how the International Olympic Committee allow the nation hosting the Olympic Games to include some additional events and my mole tells me that Robertson has played a master stroke in proposing the following list of athletic disciplines:
1. The Egg and Spoon Race
2. The Sack Race
3. The Three Legged Race
4. The Climbing Through Hoops and Getting Dressed Race
5. The Morris Dancing Race
6. The Pancake Race.
All these events will be over 100 metres, 200 metres, 400 metres, 800 metres, 1,500 metres, 3,000 metre steeplechase, 5,000 and 10,000 metres, as well as various relays, and will be for both the men and women.
Team GB has years of experience in all of the above events, as school children for generations have strove for excellence each July, and it is likely that we will have a clean sweep of all the medals.
Other strange events. Cheese rolling, Toe Wrestling and Bog Snorkelling are also firm favourites
Another likely event is the Council Estate 4 by 400 metre relay where teams of four have to carry a 22 inch TV as the baton.
In addition, Robertson is also advocating the inclusion of some additional boat races. Namely the Nine Man Alcoholic Boat Race. I can reveal that this event will consist of eight teams of nine men sitting facing the back of their nearest team mate. On the opening bell the first man has to drink a yard of ale, which is rumoured to be the real ale favourite Old Peculiar. On emptying his glass, each competitor has to place the upturned vessel on his head before the next team member can drink his yard. The winning team is the first to complete the whole nine yards. The team who finish last in each leg has to buy the next round. In the event of a dead heat, the team with the driest heads will be deemed the winner. Should any member vomit before all nine yards have been drunk, his team shall lose that leg.
The event will be in a knock-out format, the first two rounds consisting of a best of three races, the quarter-final and semi-final will be the best of five and the final the best of seven. Each country can enter a squad consisting of no more than eleven drinkers, with any nine competing in each round. The event will be completed in its entirety in one day. Rounds one and two will take part in the morning session, the quarter and semi-final in the afternoon session and the bronze medal play-off and final in the evening session.
I can reveal that one event that won't be appearing in 2012 is the broom race, as it has been deemed to dangerous. This is a race where a competitor has to drink a yard of ale before putting his head on the top of a broom handle and run around it ten times before running 50 metres to the finishing line.
So don't despair, put your mortgage on Team GB to top the medal table. Let the good times roll.